


Out of My Head

by blackmariahlee



Series: The Serpent and the Lion [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Consensual Underage Sex, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Frottage, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Post-Battle of Hogwarts, Scars
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-16
Updated: 2019-11-16
Packaged: 2021-01-31 12:58:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21446590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackmariahlee/pseuds/blackmariahlee
Summary: Voldemort is dead and finally Harry Potter can rest. If only his mind and body would catch up with that fact. Luckily for Harry, there are people who want to help. Some more than others.
Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter, Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley
Series: The Serpent and the Lion [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1538254
Comments: 8
Kudos: 187





	Out of My Head

**Author's Note:**

> All right, I debated on the Underage warning for a while but decided to add it just in case. As much as I dislike underage myself, I realized that seventeen-year-olds do engage in sexual activities. This is the second part of an ongoing series The Serpent and the Lion. It will make a lot more sense if you read the first part, The Kids Aren't All Right.

The graveyard was exactly as Harry remembered it. Cold, dark, and utterly terrifying. He looked around for the portkey that would take him back to Hogwarts. But the cup and Cedric were nowhere to be found. In fact, he was alone. No  Wormtail , no Death Eaters, no Voldemort. Something brushed by his leg and he started.  Nagini slithered across the cold ground before she began to climb his leg, wrapping herself around him. 

“Did you really think it could be so simple, Harry?” The high voice of Voldemort seemed to echo all around him. Harry whirled in every direction. Where was he? “A simple disarming  spell ? And Lord Voldemort is defeated? By a seventeen-year-old boy?” Voldemort laughed then and Harry choked down bile as he realized the sound was coming from him. 

“Why don’t you show yourself, Tom?” Harry shouted. Wind stirred the dead leaves on the ground but no sign of Voldemort. 

“Oh, Harry. You still don’t understand, do you?”  Nagini had climbed to wrap around his torso. “The truth is that you can never be rid of me. I am a part of you. Embedded in your very soul.” 

“No. No, I killed it. You killed it. It’s dead. Every piece of you is dead!” Harry could hear the desperation in his voice. 

“A piece of my soul resided within you for sixteen years, Harry. You may have expelled it but you cannot erase that.”  Nagini settled herself around his shoulders, her body wrapped around his chest and her head settled on his left shoulder. Harry hissed at a sudden pain in his arm and he turned it over to see the Dark Mark. Not the same inky black that adorned the Death Eaters. No. This was carved into his skin. 

_ “We are always with you, Harry Potter.”  _ Nagini hissed into his ear.  _ “Just beneath the skin. Waiting to control you.”  _ Now the pain seared from his scar and he sank to his knees. 

“You belong to me, Harry. You always have.” Voldemort spoke through him and inside him. Harry opened his mouth to scream but no scream came out. Instead it was Voldemort’s high and cruel laugh. “You will never be rid of me. And through you, I shall finish what I started nearly twenty years ago.” 

No, no, no, no, no. This could not be happening. Voldemort was defeated. He had died. Harry had seen it. Harry had caused it. And he had seen the bit of Voldemort that had resided in Harry. He had seen it dead. Abandoned and alone at King’s Cross. He squeezed his eyes shut and willed the pain to stop. But it only grew worse. 

“Look at you. Weak and pathetic. Dumbledore was foolish to entrust the safety of the wizarding world to such a weak boy. You are a disappointment, Harry Potter.” 

“A sniveling little boy.” Harry jerked his head up at the voice. Severus Snape stood before him; his arms crossed as he stared down at Harry. “To think that I dedicated my life to ensuring your safety. To think I died to protect you. To think your mother died to protect you.” He sneered and Harry couldn’t stop shaking. 

“I thought you were family, mate.” Fred looked uncharacteristically angry. “Family protect each other.”

“I left my child an orphan for you.” Lupin stepped out from behind Snape. “My wife died before our son could even walk.” 

“S-Stop...” Harry’s voice was  weak . 

“Harry Potter is not who Dobby thought he was. Harry Potter failed.” Dobby sighed. “Dobby was wrong to serve Harry Potter.” 

“My dear boy, I did warn you. I did implore you to lock the Dark Lord out of your mind.” Dumbledore appeared and shook his head sadly. “I did try.” 

“You stood by and watched me die.” Sirius leaned an arm on Lupin’s shoulder. “You just let it happen after I showed up to save your sorry ass in the first place. And then you let Bellatrix get away with it.” He shook his head. “Hate to say it, Harry, but  Snivellus was right about you.” 

“...Please...stop...” Harry could feel  Nagini tighten her grip on him and he couldn’t breathe. 

“I trusted you, Harry.” Cedric sounded so devastated. “I trusted you and you lead me to my death. My father is heartbroken. And then you try to steal my girlfriend. You disgust me.” 

“You were meant to defeat the Dark Lord, Harry.” Lily Potter stood between Snape and Lupin. “You were meant to be the best of us. You’ve let me down, my sweet boy.” 

“What was it my father always said?” James Potter stood beside  Sirius. “We’re not angry. We’re disappointed. Dreadfully disappointed. You’re no son of mine.” 

“You see, Harry? You have been a disappointment from the beginning. You have failed your loved  ones time and time again.” Ron, Hermione, Ginny, George, Molly, Arthur, Andromeda with  Teddy in her arms , Hagrid, McGonagall, Dean, Seamus, Luna, Neville, Padma, Parvati, Draco. They all stared down at him, accusations on their tongues and in their eyes. 

“Please...I-I tried...” Harry gasped and his vision swam. 

_ “Do not worry, Harry Potter. We will take care of you. We will take care of everything.” _ Nagini hissed and darkness overtook him. 

Harry gasped as he woke up. His heart hammered in his chest and his whole body ached. His head was pounding, his chest burned, and his left arm stung. He fumbled for his wand, desperate to make sure that the skin on his arm was unmarred. The room was dark and his eyes weren’t adjusting to the dark fast enough. The panic wouldn’t fade and he fought to bring air into his lungs again. 

“Harry?” The voice was rough with sleep and Harry jumped away from the sound. He fell off the bed and hit the floor with a thud , his head smacking against cold stone floor . “Harry? Are you okay?” Where was he? The room was unfamiliar. It took him a moment to realize that he was shaking. His whole body shook and the burning in his chest got worse. 

He could hear someone fumble in the darkness of the room. But the sound was muffled. Everything was muffled. And he felt as though he were back in that cave, pulled down under the water by the  inferi . Maybe he was. Had he made it out of that cave? Had he made it out of the forest? Had he really survived at all? The room was illuminated suddenly and reminded Harry of the fire that Dumbledore had conjured. 

“Harry?” Draco leaned over the edge of the bed and the light from his wand cast his face in shadow. “Merlin, what happened?” He slid off the bed onto the floor. Draco dropped his wand and moved to reach out for him. Harry flinched and shoved himself away until his back hit the wall.  Draco stopped short and stayed kneeled by the bed. 

Harry shook his head and pulled his knees to his chest. He wrapped his arms around himself and sobbed. It had been a nightmare. Or had it? Was it just a nightmare or was it a vision? A warning? It hadn’t felt like the dream where he had attacked Mr. Weasley. But that didn’t mean it wasn’t a warning. He could still be out there. Voldemort had survived the attack on Harry all those years ago. True he had six horcruxes at the time to keep him around but this was Lord Voldemort. He could have survived. 

Desperately, Harry grasped for the pain in his left arm. He ran his fingers over the inside of his forearm and couldn’t feel anything. Was the pain just in his head? It felt so real. The whole thing had felt so damn real. But he was not in the graveyard of Little  Hangleton . That much was clear. But he didn’t know for certain where he was. 

“Harry? What is it?” Draco had moved closer but hadn’t attempted to touch him again. Good. Nobody should touch him. He could still harbor pieces of Voldemort. He could lash out like he had as  Nagini . He wasn’t safe. And nobody was safe around him. 

“It’s okay, Harry. You’re safe here.” Draco hesitated. “You’re safe with me. I promise. Please. Talk to me. What happened?” But Harry couldn’t tell him. He couldn’t give a voice to the terror that clawed at his insides. What if he opened his mouth and all he could do was scream? Or worse. What if he opened his mouth and Voldemort spoke? 

Another sob wracked his body and Harry curled tighter into himself. He had been so stupid. How had he believed that it was over?  Of course it wasn’t over. It would never be over. Not really. Not for Harry. He would never escape the people he had failed. Harry would forever be haunted by their ghosts. Haunted by his failures and his mistakes. He lived in that graveyard now. Surrounded by ghosts. Harry was more haunted than Hogwarts.

“Harry, please. You are safe. It’s over and you’re safe.” Draco rested a tentative hand on his arm and Harry jerked back. His head hit the wall and he winced. “...I’ll go find Weasley or Granger.” 

“No!” Harry shouted as he had in the graveyard and he winced at the loud noise in the enclosed space. “No. Don’t bother them.” He heard Draco snort. 

“Well you are scaring the fuck out of me, Potter.  So either you talk to me or I go find your friends.” Harry lifted his head to look at him. Draco had his arms crossed over his chest and he looked thoroughly unimpressed. 

“...You are my friend, Draco.” His voice still shook and he tried to take a deep breath, like Draco had instructed yesterday. 

“Then you need to tell me what in the bloody hell is going on.” 

“...I had a nightmare.” Harry shrugged and rested his chin on knees. 

“One hell of a nightmare.” Draco ran a hand through his hair before he offered the hand to Harry. “Come on. I am not going to leave you on the floor.” Harry stared at his hand. He should run. Draco wasn’t safe. But Harry found himself reaching out and he took the hand held out to him. Draco smiled and gently pulled him to his feet. Together, they walked slowly back to the bed. 

Draco guided him down onto the bed and then sat next to him. He wrapped an arm around Harry and pulled him to lay back on the bed. They laid together in silence for several minutes. Harry still trembled but he could feel the warmth radiating from Draco and it was soothing. 

“...What if he isn’t gone?” Harry whispered. He felt Draco tense beside him. “What if...what if he’s still with me?” 

“He isn’t. I saw him die, Harry. We both did. They all did. And you said yourself that you died and it killed that piece of him.” 

“He was here. I was in the graveyard and  Nagini was wrapped around me and they were all there. They all told me I had failed. Failed them. And he was...he was talking through me and I couldn’t speak and I couldn’t move and he said I would never get rid of him...” Harry sobbed again. Draco pulled him against his chest and wrapped him up in a tight hug.

“It was just a nightmare, darling.” He rubbed a hand up and down his back and ran his fingers through Harry’s unruly hair. “You didn’t fail. You defeated the Dark Lord. All of those people in the Great Hall, the people in this castle, they are all safe because of you.” 

“I could have done more.” Harry buried his face against Draco. “I could have done better.” 

“Harry...you were a child. A child tasked with a job that should have been done by an adult.  Perhaps someone like Dumbledore.” The bitter sarcasm was evident in his voice. “ You should have been protected. And instead you were weaponized. The rebellion against the Dark Lord was led by a teenager, for Merlin’s sake.” Harry choked out a laugh. “You did the impossible.” 

“I never knew you cared.” Harry tried to lighten the mood and felt that he may have succeeded at least a bit. 

“Let’s just say that I had a lot of time to think about all of  this. About how wrong I was. How wrong my father  was. How wrong the Dark Lord was.” 

“You were a child, too, Draco.” Harry finally wrapped his arms around Draco. “Two of the greatest wizards of all-time used children to fight their war.” 

“I suppose we should be flattered.” Draco sighed and rested his forehead on the top of Harry’s head. The room dissolved into silence once more. Draco continued to run his fingers through his hair and Harry closed his eyes. He wouldn’t be going back to sleep but the touch was calming. 

“...I don’t know that I’ll ever be the same.” Harry whispered the words against Draco’s chest and felt him tighten his grip in response. “I don’t know if I can ever...really move on. I’m going to be haunted for the rest of my life.” 

“Well, we can be haunted together.” Draco tensed as he seemed to realize the possible connotations of his words. “That is, all of us. We can all be haunted together.” 

“Okay.” Harry sighed and pressed a kiss against his chest. Draco pulled back to look down at him. Maybe Harry could blame the fact that he had died on his sudden, inexplicable attraction to Draco Malfoy. 

If he was honest, though, he had found Draco attractive for a few years now. Because Draco was attractive. His hair was always styled perfectly and his robes always fit impeccably. That was probably when it had started. Draco in his dress robes at the Yule Ball. He had tried his best to ignore how handsome he had looked. But now that he looked back on it, he realized that he may have started to develop a bit of a crush then. 

“I hate to say it but I think your reprieve is just about over.” Harry groaned and rolled onto his back. 

“What time is it?” 

“Almost  7 .” Draco stayed on his side and lifted himself up on his elbow. “I could actually abduct you if you’d like.” 

“Now who’s being a tease.” Harry smirked over at him and Draco raised an eyebrow.

“We are still not shagging, Potter. Your adoring public awaits.” 

“They can wait a little longer.” Harry reached over and pulled Draco into a kiss. 

Even though they had just started snogging last night, it already felt familiar. The press of Draco’s lips against his own ignited a fire under his skin. After the paralyzing cold of his nightmare, he welcomed the fire. Harry pushed his tongue into his mouth and tangled his fingers in blond hair. Draco tightened his grip in his hair and then shifted to straddle his hips. Harry groaned into the kiss and Draco used his hips to push him back into the mattress. 

Harry jolted at the touch and his hips bucked involuntarily off the bed. He was rather surprised to find that he was hard and straining against his trousers. And he was even more surprised that Draco was just as hard. Why had they made the foolish decision to sleep in their clothes? And why was Harry so bloody responsive? Draco pulled back from the kiss but sunk his teeth into Harry’s bottom lip and tugged gently . His hips jerked again and Draco smirked against Harry’s neck. 

“What am I going to with you?” Draco whispered against his skin. 

“Whatever you want?” Harry suggested. Draco laughed and put his forehead against his collarbone. 

“Fuck, Potter. You really have got to stop that. You are a bloody menace.” Draco nipped his collarbone and Harry groaned. He tangled his fingers in Draco’s hair and pulled him up into another kiss. When Draco ground his hips down into Harry again, it finally clicked why they were both so desperate. They were alive. They had made it through. This wasn’t a case of ‘we might die’ shagging. No. This was ‘oh shit we didn’t die’ shagging. For a brief moment he wondered how many cases of this were going around at the moment. 

Draco was still grinding his hard cock against Harry and it felt glorious. He jerked his hips up haphazardly to try and meet him thrust for thrust. Harry wanted to feel his skin against Draco’s but he knew they probably were pressed for time. He pushed his hands up under Draco’s shirt anyway. And Draco shuddered and groaned into the kiss. Harry gripped tightly to his shoulders and marveled at the feel of muscles working under smooth skin. 

“Draco...” Harry groaned as  Draco bit and kissed along his collarbone. “Fuck. I can’t...I’m  gonna ...” He could feel his cheeks flush even more at the thought that he was about to come with Draco Malfoy. 

“Good.” Draco bit his earlobe and tugged. Harry came with a shout and sunk back into the mattress. Draco followed a moment later with a high-pitched groan. He collapsed on top of Harry and they laid there for several minutes. The only sound was their panting breaths. 

“ Gotta say, I didn’t see that coming.” 

“If that was another terrible pun, I will hit you with my pillow.” Draco rolled off of Harry and settled on his side next to him. 

“Pun not intended. Just a happy coincidence.” Harry grinned at him.

“You are so lucky that you’re cute.” 

“You think I’m cute?”

“Shut up, Potter.” 

“Draco Malfoy thinks that I’m cute!” Harry pressed his hands to his chest over his heart and pretended to swoon. 

“I swear on Salazar Slytherin that if you don’t stop...” Draco groaned, a high flush on his cheeks again. 

“This is a momentous day, Draco. I never thought this day would come. I will tell my children about this day.” 

“Merlin, you are insufferable.” 

“Yeah, but you think I’m cute.” Harry grinned. “ Oof ! Hey!” His glasses were knocked askew by the pillow hitting him in the face. 

“I did warn you.” Draco shrugged. 

“Well, you are just lucky that you’re so cute.” Harry huffed as he fixed his glasses. 

“Please, Harry. I am hot, not cute.” 

“ Mmmm ...I  dunno . That blush is pretty damn cute.” Harry kissed his cheek. “I could be persuaded to say beautiful.” 

“Just hush up, you.” Draco sighed and dropped the pillow on his face again. Harry laughed and flung it back at Draco. Grey eyes narrowed and he smirked. “Are you declaring war?” Harry grinned. 

“Maybe.” 

“Oh, you a re going to regret that.” Draco picked up the other pillow. “Scared, Potter?” 

“You wish, Malfoy.” Harry smacked him in the face with the pillow. Draco stared incredulous for a moment before he launched himself at Harry. Harry  y e lpe d as he was tackled back against the bed. He pressed the pillow against Draco’s chest and pushed him back. This time he lunged at Draco and pinned him to the bed. “Surrender?” 

“Never.” Draco was breathless from laughter and his hair was an absolute disaster. Harry grinned and leaned down to press a kiss to those soft lips. But Draco had meant it and smacked him with the pillow again. They rolled around on the bed, laughing and kissing. Harry’s nightmare and the events of the last 36 hours had faded to the back of his mind as he had laid in bed with Draco. It all seemed so surreal. Maybe he had gotten on that train and this was the afterlife. It suddenly made more sense than the idea that this was really happening. 

“Malfoy?” There was a loud banging on the door and they both froze. “Malfoy, are you in there? Your mum is looking for you!” 

“Yeah,  Zabini . Give me a moment!” Draco shouted back. He ran his hands through his hair in an attempt to tame it. “Do you have your cloak?” 

“Yeah, yeah. It’s uh...” Harry jumped from the bed and grimaced. He had forgotten about the mess they had made. He cast around for his father’s cloak and found it tossed on the footboard of the bed. 

“Here. Your wand.” Draco held out what was, in fact, his own wand. Harry shook his head. 

“That’s yours.” Harry pushed it back towards him. “I only borrowed it.” 

“Harry...this is the wand you used to defeat the Dark Lord. I can’t keep this.” 

“It’s your wand, Draco. It’s a nice wand but I’m rather partial to my own.” Harry pushed the wand into Draco’s chest. “It’s yours. I want you to have it.” 

“It feels a bit different now.” Draco looked at the wand gripped tight in his hand. “Feels a bit like you.” 

“Good.” Harry grinned and leaned up to kiss him. Draco tried to suppress a smile but didn’t quite succeed. 

“Put that damn cloak on before my mother breaks down the door.” Draco performed a quick wordless spell. Harry realized a bit late that it was a cleaning spell. 

“Show off.” Harry muttered.

“You are so very welcome.” Draco put his wand in his pocket. Harry threw the cloak over himself and took a deep breath. He rather liked this strange bubble that had developed around him and Draco since last night. Just the two of them. Barely even the real world. But he couldn’t stay away forever. The moment the door  opened, they would be back to their roles. Back in the real world. 

“Wait!” Harry hissed and pulled the cloak back off. 

“Malfoy! Come on.”  Zabini’s voice came through the door again. 

“I heard you the first time!” Draco called back. “Harry, what?” 

“Promise me.” Harry closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Promise that...that we’ll at least stay friends after this.” 

“You often do that with your friends?” Draco raised an eyebrow. 

“No. But I felt like asking you to promise to keep snogging me in dark classrooms and refusing to actually shag me was a bit to specific.” Harry shrugged. “I just...I really enjoyed this. With you. And I want to keep you in my life. In some capacity. Whatever that looks like. I don’t know  right now.” 

“Harry...” Draco sounded terribly fond and a bit exasperated as a smile tugged at his lips. He brushed Harry’s fringe off of his forehead and pressed a kiss there. “I promise.” 

“Okay. Good.” Harry gave him a smile before he pulled the cloak back on. Draco sighed before he turned and opened the door. 

“Took you long enough.” Blaise  Zabini was leaned against the wall across from the door. “Any particular reason you locked yourself in our dormitories?” 

“It isn’t really any of your business is it?” Draco rolled his eyes and walked out the door. “You said my mother was looking for me?” Blaise moved past Draco to look into the room. Harry held his breath. 

“Were you in here by yourself?” 

“Of course.” Draco huffed. “Now, my mother?” 

“She’s in the Common Room.” Blaise backed out of the room and started down the hallway. “Think they’re trying to leave the country before the  Aurors catch up with them.” 

Harry flinched at the mention of aftermath that he should be instrumental in. He sighed and finally walked out of the room. As quietly as he could, he moved by Blaise and Draco to start his trek back up to the Great Hall. The Slytherin Common Room was fairly sparse. Harry wondered how many had bothered to stay. Narcissa and Lucius Malfoy were seated by the fire and were speaking in hushed tones. 

“I don’t know that France is far enough away.” Narcissa hissed. “If we can keep Draco out of Azkaban, he may need to travel farther than across the Channel.” 

“That is a rather big if, Narcissa.” Lucius sniffed. “I will see what I can do about possibly securing him a position with MACUSA. If we can keep him out of Azkaban.” 

“Potter owes me a debt.” Narcissa turned her gaze to the hallway as Draco and Blaise could be heard approaching. 

“You expect that boy to help Draco? I would not hold my breath.” 

“You forget, Lucius, that boy is a Gryffindor. And I saved his life. The least he can do is keep my son from spending his life rotting away in a prison cell.” 

Harry slipped by them and tried not to think too much about their conversation. He had already promised to do his best to keep Draco and his mother out of Azkaban. Narcissa was right. It was the very least that he could. Harry bit back a groan as he thought about the months to come. Voldemort may be gone but there were still many battles to fight. He hated to think of how many of those battles would be in the  Wizengamot chambers. And how many of those he would be asked to participate in.

The dungeons were cold and quiet as Harry made his way to the stairs. He climbed slowly and winced. All of the aches and pains from the last 48 hours returned to him. The adrenaline from his nightmare and the endorphins from Draco had worn off and left him sore and tired. He rubbed his chest and reminded himself to check for damage later. 

The Great Hall was subdued this morning.  Of course it was. Harry felt the air leave him in a rush as it all came back. It felt like a physical blow. The pieces of castle scattered about the Entrance Hall. The sounds of quiet crying that carried out of the Great Hall. The smell of burned wood and scorched stone. The summer sun was shining through the doors and the windows but the Entrance Hall was suddenly dark. Harry felt a chill as he looked around at all the damage. 

Harry pulled his cloak off and stuffed it into his bag again. He hesitated on the threshold of the Great Hall. It was far from full but there were families and students huddled together at all four tables. Everyone seemed to have forgone house table traditions. For some reason that helped to ease something in his chest. He took a deep breath and tried to ignore the burn that came with it. Just breathe and get it over with. 

He stepped into the Great Hall and immediately wished that he had stayed in that dungeon dormitory bed with Draco. The bodies had been placed off to the side of the hall. The shock of red hair caught his eye first and Harry flinched at the sight of Fred Weasley. Even now, it was strange to see him without George. And then his eyes lighted upon Remus Lupin and Tonks. He could feel the panic clawing at his chest as his vision swam. 

Harry felt the pressure of  Nagini wrapping around his chest and his neck as he stared at Lupin. At Tonks. At Fred. And then he saw Colin  Creevey and all the air in his lungs left him in a rush. Even though the boy was 16, he still looked like that tiny first year that had followed Harry around with his camera. And Harry had gotten him killed. He reached blindly for the wall as he felt his stomach churn and his knees buckle. 

Fuck. He really needed to get a handle on this. Harry could not lose it now. Not in front of all of these people. He had no right to break down. These people were all here because of him. The least he could do was be the strong one to help the survivors through the grief and the pain. He slid down the wall and sat beside the dead. 

“Harry?” He started and stared again at the bodies of Lupin, Fred, Tonks, Colin. None of them appeared to have been the one to speak. “Harry, are you okay?” A hand touched his knee and he jerked back. His head hit the stone wall for the second time that morning. There was a strange gasping, choking sound but he couldn’t tell which of the fallen was making the noise. Oh. Shit. That was him. He was making that sound. 

“Bloody hell, Harry, it’s just me.” Someone was talking. It wasn’t the dead. The dead don’t speak. It was someone living then. There were black spots invading his vision as he struggled to pull  air into his lungs. “Shit. Mum! Mum, get over here!”

Harry tried to remember what had helped last time. What had he done last night to combat the panic and grief? Draco. Draco had been there. But he couldn’t be here now. No. Not here. Here they had to be Malfoy and Potter, not Draco and Harry. Breathe. Just breathe  you absolute moron. It shouldn’t be this hard. 

“Ginny, what on earth--” 

“Mum, something is wrong. And I don’t...” There was a sniffle and then the shuffle of people moving around. 

“Harry, dear? It’s Mrs. Weasley. It’s Molly. Can you look at me?” Molly. Molly Weasley. Who had lost her son because of  him. Who had nearly lost her husband because of  him. Who had nearly lost her daughter because of  him. No. No, no, no. He couldn’t  look at her. Harry tried to move away but the wall stopped him. He buried his head between his knees. 

“Ginny, dear, please go and find Madame  Pomfrey for me, please.” 

“No, Mum, I can help!” 

“ Ginerva Weasley, do not argue with me. Get Madame  Pomfrey and Professor McGonagall. Now, if you please.” He heard footsteps hurry away. “Harry? Please, dear, I need you to look at me. It’s Molly. We’re in the Great Hall at Hogwarts. You’re safe.” 

Harry wanted to disappear through the wall. He had tried so hard to avoid breaking down in front of his friends for this very reason. He didn’t deserve their comfort. He couldn’t take Mrs. Weasley away from her actual children as they all mourned the loss of Fred. The Weasleys were the only family that he had left. His parents were dead. Sirius was dead. Dumbledore was dead. Lupin was dead. And  somehow he had played a significant role in each one. Harry needed Ron and Hermione and Ginny but he didn’t deserve them. Fuck. He should have stayed with Draco. 

“Molly, Ms. Weasley said it was urgent.” More footsteps approached. 

“I should think so, Poppy. It looks as though Mr. Potter is our latest victim.” 

“How long has he been like this?” 

“I don’t know. Ginny called me over when she found him. He hasn’t responded to me or Ginny at all. Just keeps backing away.” There was a heavy sigh. 

“Mr. Potter? It’s Madame  Pomfrey . Are you injured? Does anything hurt?” Did anything hurt? Fucks sake, everything hurt. His chest still ached and his lungs burned and the back of his head hurt. “We’d better get him to the Hospital Wing.” Damn. This was exactly what he had been trying to avoid. 

“No.” Harry managed to gasp out the single word and shook his head, grinding his forehead on his knees. 

“Harry, you are having a severe panic attack. We need to take care of you.” Harry shook his head again. “May I ask why you don’t want to go to the Hospital Wing?” 

“Don’t...don’t need it.” The sentence left him breathless and Harry clenched his fists in frustration. “Other people...need help. ‘M fine...” He was dizzy. Even sitting against the stone wall with his head down, the room felt like it was tilting and spinning. He was just relieved that there were no tears or sobs making this worse. 

“Mr. Potter, I am afraid that I really must insist.” A hand gently touched his shoulders and he flinched. 

“Come on, Harry, dear. Let’s get you up.” Warm hands gently coaxed him to look up. Molly Weasley was kneeled in front of him. Professor McGonagall stood behind her while Madame  Pomfrey was crouched down beside Molly. She gave him a warm smile and all at once Harry felt a wave of relief and self-loathing. He was supposed to be the strong one. 

“Let’s get him out of the Hall before anyone else notices.” McGonagall came to stand beside Molly and helped her to pull Harry to his feet. 

“Professor!” Hermione ran over to them and Ron was close behind. “We’ll take him up with Madame  Pomfrey .” 

“Very well, Ms. Granger. Molly, perhaps you ought to speak with Ms. Weasley.” McGonagall and Molly handed Harry off to Ron and Hermione who each took an arm and slung it over their shoulders. 

“Come on, then. Let’s get Mr. Potter up to the Hospital Wing.” Madame  Pomfrey started out of the Great Hall and the trio followed after. 

“Where were you last night? We were worried sick.” Hermione hissed. Harry tried to shrug but whatever energy he had was sapped from the scene in the Great Hall. 

“Mum and Ginny were going mental looking for you.” Ron added but didn’t seem to want to press for more information. Not right now. 

They did their best to practically drag Harry up the stairs to the Hospital Wing. For all that he didn’t want to go and he didn’t want any  more bloody attention, it felt rather nice. Ron and Hermione had dragged him through much worse. And he had dragged them through an entire bloody war and months of endless wandering the countryside. Maybe he shouldn’t be such a stupid git about going to the damn Hospital Wing but in his defense, he always had been. The only times Harry had made it there had been because he had been unconscious at the time. Otherwise he dug his heels in and refused. 

“All right, you two. Set him down and get back down to the Great Hall.” Madame  Pomfrey bustled along the ward to check on her other patients. Harry didn’t let himself observe who else was laid up.

“But--” Hermione started to protest even as Ron set him down. 

“Ah, ah. I know you two are concerned for Mr. Potter but he needs some peace and quiet. Not to be pestered endlessly.” 

“Oi! We do not pester endlessly!” Ron couldn’t help the indignant response. They had, after all, spent the last year or so answering to nobody but themselves. And they were adults now. Some more than others. 

“You may visit Mr. Potter later this afternoon.” Madame  Pomfrey straightened up from leaning over one of the other beds. “For now, he needs a complete physical exam and some rest. Off with you.” She shooed them off as she made her way back to Harry. Ron and Hermione exchanged a look with each other before they gave him strained smiles and waved. 

“We’ll be back later, Harry! Please take care.” Hermione hesitated before she leaned down and pressed a kiss against his forehead. Oh. He had forgotten, while he panicked and freaked out about all the other deaths, that he had died. Harry had died. And his friends had believed that he was. He had forgotten their shouts and screams as Hagrid carried him to the courtyard. 

“All right, Mr. Potter. Let’s try this again. Where does it hurt?” Madame  Pomfrey rested her hand on his forehead and pushed his hair back. 

“Everywhere?” Harry looked past her, determined to get out of the stupid Hospital Wing as soon as he could. 

“A bit more specific, please.” 

“Uh...mostly my chest.” 

“Take your shirt off then, Mr. Potter.” Madame  Pomfrey drew the privacy curtain around the bed and he hesitated. “Nothing I haven’t seen before, dear. A few too many times.” Harry sighed and dragged his shirt up and over his head. He flinched when he heard her gasp. That couldn’t be good. He glanced down and saw that there was indeed a new scar from the Killing Curse that had hit him in the Forest. 

Apparently, the Killing Curse could never leave just a simple scar. No, of course not. That would make his life far too simple. While the first failed curse had left him with a lightning bolt on the right side of his forehead, the second one had left a starburst on the left side of his chest. The new scar was still red and roughly the size of his fist. Great. There went his modeling career, Harry thought with an edge of hysteria.

“...Well, I believe I found the source of your pain.” Madame  Pomfrey gently pushed him down on the bed by his shoulders. She ghosted her fingertips over the scar and he winced. “1 to 10?” Harry sighed. He hated that question. 

“ Er ...I  dunno . I wouldn’t say pain, really. Just uh...more of an ache, I guess. Really. I’m fine. And clearly no longer having a panic attack so if I could just get my shirt and--” 

“If you think for one moment that I am going to let you out of this bed any time soon, Harry, you clearly underestimate how fond I’ve grown of you. Now, 1 to 10?” 

“I  dunno . I guess...4?” 

“And let’s put that into some perspective. When you broke your arm?” 

“That was a solid 8.  Regrowing the bones was a 9.” Harry still vividly remembered the night he spent in a similar bed  regrowing the bones in his arm. He felt a sharp pain at the memory of Dobby. 

“And are you still feeling anxious?” 

“I couldn’t tell you.” Harry looked up at her and held his hands up at the glare she sent him. “I really don’t know. I don‘t even know if anxious is what I felt before.” 

“Then what did you feel?” 

“...I think the anxiety is gone for now.” Madame  Pomfrey sighed but didn’t press him further on the matter. Harry didn’t want to talk about his guilt and his grief and his panic.

“You know, Mr. Potter, it wouldn’t be a terrible idea to look into seeing someone on a regular basis. To help with your anxiety.” 

“Yeah, sure. I’ll look into it.” Harry stared up at the ceiling and Madame  Pomfrey waved her wand over him. 

“Any other pain you would like to tell me about?” 

“There’s just a general ache everywhere. But my head hurts and my arm...” Harry trailed off and looked down at his left arm. He could still remember the way it looked in the dream. Angry, red lines carved into his skin. Not at all unlike the scar on his hand. I must not tell lies. He snorted softly at the thought of Umbridge. Maybe he could make a trade. Draco for Umbridge. She deserved to rot in Azkaban far more than a seventeen-year-old boy that had been threatened and bullied into serving Voldemort. 

“Let’s see then.” Madam  Pomfrey took his left arm and looked down at it. Harry watched her fingers poke and prod at the clear skin there. “Nothing seems to be amiss there.” He let out a breath he hadn’t realized he had been holding. “Mr. Potter, when is the last time you ate anything?” 

“Um...I definitely had dinner...um...a couple days ago?” They hadn’t had breakfast yesterday in anticipation of Gringotts. None of them could handle the idea of food. And they had barely eaten anything the night before. At least, Harry and Hermione hadn’t. 

“Why am I not surprised?” She heaved a sigh. “All right. If you’re feeling up to it, I’ll ask Ms. Granger and Mr. Weasley to bring you something from the Great Hall.” Harry gave a brief nod and Madame  Pomfrey sent a Patronus off.

“Madame  Pomfrey ?” Harry pushed himself up to a sitting position and pulled his shirt back on. “...Has anyone shown up to arrest the Death Eaters?” She raised an eyebrow and gave him an appraising look.

“No. The Ministry itself is still in shambles. They’re working on cleaning out the Death Eaters there at the moment.  Auror Shacklebolt has asked that everyone remain on the grounds of the castle until things have been sorted out. Obviously, the Apparition wards are still in place. And the grounds are being patrolled to prevent anyone from wandering off.” 

“Oh. Okay.” Harry pushed the pillow on the bed up so that he could sit comfortably against the wall. Madame  Pomfrey started to speak before she shook her head. With a flick of her wand, the privacy curtain pulled away. 

“Eat. Sleep. Do you want anything for that scar, Mr. Potter?” 

“ Nah. I don’t think it would help.” 

“No. I don’t think it would.” She sighed softly and moved down the ward to check on other patients. 

Harry rubbed gingerly over his new scar. Inexplicably, he wanted to show it to Draco. He had always mocked Harry for his lightning bolt. Wait until he saw what Harry’s last encounter with Voldemort had left him. For eleven years, Harry had loved that damn scar. The lie that he had sustained it in a car accident had never managed to take away the small amount of joy he felt at being unique. Now he would give anything to get rid of the damn thing. At least this stupid scar would be easier to hide away. 

“--has got as much  right to see him as we do.” Ron’s voice broke through the relative quiet of the Hospital Wing as they pushed the doors open. 

“Nobody is saying that she doesn’t. But I agree with Professor McGonagall and Madame  Pomfrey . He needs to rest. We don’t even know the full extent of what happened yesterday.” Hermione pushed the doors closed again and her voice dropped. “And do not pester him with questions. He’ll tell us when he’s ready.” Ron shoved his hands in his pockets at the mild scolding. 

“Hey, Harry.” He waved at him as the pair approached. Harry gave a weak wave in return. “We brought you some juice and toast and eggs. Mum wanted you to have some protein.” Hermione handed him the plate and set the glass of pumpkin juice on the bedside table. Harry eyed the pumpkin juice. 

“Couldn’t get anything stronger than pumpkin juice?” 

“I told you!” Ron crowed in victory. 

“Shush!” Hermione and Madame  Pomfrey glared at him. 

“What? I’m just saying. I said after yesterday that we should all have a bottle of  firewhiskey . Kreacher could’ve gotten us some.” 

“It is not even ten in the morning. And Harry hasn’t eaten since the night before last. I am not going to hand him a bottle of alcohol in lieu of actual food.” Hermione rolled her eyes. 

“All right. But, after dinner tonight, we’re all going to get proper pissed.” Ron slung an arm around Harry who could not agree more with that sentiment. 

“That’s hardly a healthy way to deal with things, Ron.” 

“You say that like it’s a bad thing.” Ron shrugged. “Where were you last night, anyway? You disappeared and then send off a Patronus.” 

“I was...you know...” Harry trailed off and picked up a piece of toast. He bit off enough that to speak would have been almost impossible. 

“Actually, we don’t know.” Hermione sat on his other side. “We were just worried, Harry. After everything that happened.” 

“I know.” Harry winced at the mild reprimand in her words. “It was just...a lot. So many people. And I just...I needed a few minutes to myself. I’m sorry that I worried you guys.” 

“It’s all right.” Hermione sighed softly. “You could have told us though. We would have understood.” 

“I know.” 

“There’s a lot you didn’t tell us about yesterday, mate.” Harry bit back a growl and shrugged Ron’s arm off his shoulder. 

“Yeah, well, there wasn’t exactly a lot of time to discuss things, was there?” This was another thing Harry had been avoiding. He had walked to his death last night without so much as a good-bye or an explanation to his best friends. After everything that they had endured in the last seven years. Harry owed them that right? Yeah, except he was tired of owing people anything. “I was working on a time limit, after all.” 

The trio fell into silence. It reminded Harry of Fifth Year. When he had been so bloody pissed off all the time. When he had felt that the people around him owed him something. Anything. And in retrospect, Dumbledore had owed him quite a lot. But the sudden remembrance of his anger jolted his stomach. His arm burned again like it had after his nightmare. His chest felt tight and he closed his eyes. Maybe there was some sliver of Voldemort left imbedded in his soul. Etched onto his bones. 

“I’m sorry. It’s just been a long couple of days.” 

“You don’t say.” Ron bit out and Harry was again reminded of Fred. He ran a hand through his hair. Ron had lost his brother. The Weasleys had lost a son. And George had lost a piece of himself. Jesus Christ, Harry. Pull it together. Your best friend lost his brother last night. And Hermione’s parents were still somewhere in Australia with no memory of their daughter. 

“Everyone has had a hard time.” Hermione broke the tense silence. “You need to eat something and get some rest.” She patted his knee. “We’ll come by around dinner.” 

“Yeah, okay.” Harry pushed his glasses up and rubbed his face. He had been so sure that everything would be so easy after Voldemort was gone. As though his life could ever be easy. 

“Ginny is pretty worried about you too.” Ron stood up from the bed. “You should talk to her.” Hermione glared at Ron over the hospital bed. “When uh...you’re ready, of course.” 

“Go on ahead, Ron. Your mum will be wanting to know how Harry is doing.” Hermione shooed him toward the door and Ron glowered slightly at the dismissal. “I’ll be right behind you!” Ron shoved his hands in his pockets again and sulked out the door. They both watched the doors close behind him. 

“Go on, Hermione.” Harry picked at his piece of toast. “I’m fine. Really. Madame  Pomfrey is just--” 

“I know where you were last night.” Hermione still had her eyes on the door and Harry stared at her. “You weren’t the only one we couldn’t find, you know. Don’t worry. Nobody else has put it together. I doubt they will.” 

“Put what together?” Hermione turned her gaze on him now. She gave him that damn knowing look she had. 

“I just wanted to ask you why.” She shrugged. “I’m not angry, Harry. We’ve all...well we all had a lot to deal with last night and we all are going to deal with it in different ways. I don’t begrudge you wanting space. I just wonder why you let Malfoy in.” 

“Hermione...” Harry sighed heavily. He thought of denying it. He thought of lying and evading and avoiding. But it was Hermione. She would know. “I didn’t plan to. I just needed to get away from everyone. I was sitting alone in the old Potions classroom when Malfoy came in. And we were both just so damn tired. And. ..he didn’t need me to be the Chosen One. Hell, he’s never wanted me to be the Chosen One.” Harry ran a hand through his hair. “Somehow it was easy. To talk to him. He didn’t lose much last night. Not like...not like you and Ron and Ginny and Molly.  I could let myself fall apart in front of him  cuz he didn’t need me to be strong for him.” Harry shrugged. 

“Oh, Harry...” Hermione pulled him into a tight hug. “I don’t claim to understand but I’m glad that he was able to help you last night. Snape’s memories?” 

“...I was a horcrux all along. But I think you already knew that.” 

“I didn’t know for sure. But I thought.” She tightened her grip. “You died last night, didn’t you? Not just an act. You died for us. The way your mum died for you.”

“Yeah.” His throat was tight and he closed his eyes against the sudden burning. 

“I’m so sorry, Harry.” Hermione pressed her face against his shoulder and he felt her take a shuddering breath. “You take all the time you need.” She pulled back and brushed his hair out of his face. “And take comfort wherever it comes from. Just...be careful around Malfoy. Now, finish eating and get some sleep.” 

“Thank you, Hermione.” Harry managed a small smile for her. She smiled and nodded before she stood up from the bed. He watched her leave, just as they had watched Ron leave. 

The silence in the Hospital Wing was just as welcoming as the darkness and quiet of the dungeons had been last night. Harry forced the piece of toast down and chased it with the juice. He wasn’t particularly hungry but he knew he had to eat something. Harry pulled his knees to his chest and rested his forehead on them. He couldn’t remember the last time he had tried so hard to take up as little space as possible. It was probably in a cupboard under the stairs. 

Voldemort was dead. Harry had killed him. After he had killed Harry. But Lord Voldemort was dead. And he no longer took up space in Harry. He would just have to keep telling himself that until he believed it. Until it was true. For the last couple years, he had thought that his anger issues had stemmed from his connection to Voldemort. But the sudden anger he had felt with Ron had been all Harry. 

Harry shook his head. No. He was a seventeen-year-old kid. And he was allowed to be annoyed with his best friend interrogating him like his mother. He was nothing like Tom Riddle. He was nothing like Lord Voldemort. And he planned to spend the rest of his life proving it to himself and the rest of the world. Harry was his own person now. No more Dursleys. No more Snape. No more Voldemort. No more Dumbledore. For the first time in seventeen years, Harry was in control of his life. And it was far more terrifying than anything he had faced yet. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Comments and kudos make my entire life y'all!


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